Thursday, September 25, 2008

This cracks me up! I am so a dollar store HPT addict!

Okay the article below is kind of long, but it's so funny to those of us (and you know who you are) that are ridiculously addicted to dollar store pregnancy tests. Admitting your problem is the first step.

Ever since I had my little Kyanne, I've wanted another, and then another, and yes even now, with three kiddies born within 3 years, I want another! But, alas my sensible husband has forbidden even the thought until Fin is at least two. In the meantime I just secretly hope....shhhh, don't tell!

Addicted to HPT's
(Home Pregnancy Test)

By Karen Squires

If you laughed at this title, this article may be for you. HPT (Home Pregnancy Test)'s are without a doubt, addictive. Alcoholics try to hide their addiction, so do women addicted HPT's. I know because I'm one of them.

I found HPT's at the dollar store for, you guessed it, a dollar. I was so excited. I only grabbed one test the first time I saw them. I ran home and used it right away. I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). Of course I was only 7 days after ovulation so what could I expect.

The next day, after lying to my husband and telling him that I needed to run and get some shampoo, I was back at the dollar store for more. I bought five this time, figuring I would have enough to last until 12 days after ovulation. Two days later I had used them all up and was back at the store needing more shampoo. I bought another five tests.

As I drove home I tried desperately to remember when I had gone to the bathroom last. I needed to hold my urine for at least 4 hours to let the pregnancy hormone build up. I remembered that it had only been about one and 1/2 hours. It was now 10:00 am, I'll have to wait until 12:30pm. I told myself that when I got home I'd do the dishes, vacuum, dust, paint the bathroom, anything to keep my mind off of running the test. I pulled in the driveway, ran straight to the bathroom, and peed in a cup. Another BFN. Dang it. I have no self control. I'll have to start all over again.

It's now 11 am. I have to hold my urine until 3 pm to let the hormone (if there is any) build up again. At 1:30 pm I run another test. BFN! Dang it all to heck!

I decide to go to the mall to make sure that I can't run another test for a few hours. I am tempted to take a test with me to use at the bathroom in the mall just in case I can't control myself but, off to the mall without a test hidden in my purse.

I have now gone most of the day with out drinking as I don't want to dilute my urine and make what might be a BFP(Big Fat Positive) turn into a BFN by having too much water in my bladder. I am thirsty, frustrated and getting crabbier and crabbier by the minute.

We walk around the mall, me trying to get a peak at the baby and maternity things, but a five year old has no need for those so I don't even get a fix by doing that. Two hours later we are bored and my son is begging to come home and eat. I look at my watch. I can't go home yet, I just can't. I tell my son that I'll buy him something to eat, get him a toy, anything to stay there a little longer. He sees the desperation in my eyes and agrees to let me buy him a Hot Wheels car and some chicken strips. That uses up another hour. Soon he wants to go home again and no amount of bribing works this time. It's only been three hours now so I take the long way home. I keep hearing a little voice from the back seat telling me that I've gone the wrong way and a tiny finger points to the east telling me to turn that way NOW!

Okay, Okay, we'll go home.

It's been three and 1/2 hours and I'm so thirsty that I can hardly swallow. We pull into the driveway, I run into the house, down the hall to the bathroom, and run another test. Another BFN!!! Dang it! Dang it! Dang it all to HECK! Grrrr.

I had ran the rest of the tests by the next day at noon and since it was now 11 days after ovulation and I still hadn't got my BFP I knew that Aunt Flo and her dog spot would find me soon. On to the next cycle. I am going to have more self control.

A few days later I really do need some shampoo and tell dear hubby that I need to run and get some. He gives me a funny look and asks "Didn't you just get some a few days ago?"

I walk into the dollar store knowing that I'm safe from my addiction for another two weeks but as I walk past the HPT's to the shampoo I notice that they only have 20 tests left. I panic. What if they are all gone in two weeks, what will I do, where will I go. I grab all 20 tests and head to the cash register, kicking myself all the way there. When I get home I find a good place to hide them, way in the back of the closet.

My husband calls from the shower and asks me for the shampoo. I'm still in the process of hiding the tests and I call back to him, my mind still in an addictive fog, "Shampoo! What shampoo?"


Lindsay Pratt said...

Haha, you are hilarious! Did the lady at the dollar store check out say anything when you bought 20 tests? :) My sister told me she found dollar store pregnancy tests once. I've never seen them...there must be more addicts than you out there clearing the shelves! (P.S. You're making me feel all this pressure since you're already trying to get prego again and our babies are the exact same age...)

Tisha said...

Wow, and I thought I was bad! Thats hilarious!

Wes, Rachel and Lauren Cairns said...

That is sooo funny! I can totally relate.

whitney said...

I had no idea the dollar store had them. But I'm not sure I would trust them from the dollar store anyway!
I am too cheap. I don't do home pregnancy tests. I go to the doctor and make them pay for it.

Stephanie M Larsen said...

Yes, the dollar store has them and they detect at 25ml. All my kids have been "diagnosised" by dollar store tests.

PS. -this is just an article I came across online, this isn't my personal experience. :)

Dorienne said...

I can totally relate to the author.! I'm so addicted to HPT's.